A low corporate

My CV, as re-imagined by my employer.

PROFILE: A bright and enthusiastic graduate in the arts and heritage sector is seeking a big fucking wake up call. Unfortunately, I have been way too ambitious in my previous career choices and now I want to move big heavy boxes all day long in a working environment ripe for litigation. In other words, for you. My personal motto is 'only speak when spoken to', giving the opportunity of talking absolute shite to those who do it best. Oh yeah, I'm a foreigner too. I'm such a fucking loser!

IDEAL ROLE: Did I mention moving boxes? I love it! Ideally, these boxes will be full of broken glass and accessible only by maneuvering around a path of tin buckets filled with sand.

[MP3] Lewis (Mistreated) :: Radiohead

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: I used to think it was pretty notable and dare I say a bit 'special' for someone my age, but after seeing the amount of skill and training necessary to faff about with an online diary system muttering 'oh dear' I'm inclined to demur. It's not like you'd read this section anyway.

EDUCATION: I have several degrees that are nowhere near as prestigious as that NVQ in Adult Education you did somewhere in Belfast in the 1970s. Congratulations on the reverse accreditation, by the way.

PERSONAL: I'd just like to say, I truly believe you're the reason God made Britain.