We shall escape all quicksand, bottomless pits and strange foods in the downstairs freezer

Happy Mother's Day, mummy, if you're reading this. I wish I could be closer, but hopefully soon. xxx

I will steal your knowledge

Short ones.

Firstly, SVC Records, the record label that Simon (him) and I (sometimes) micromanage from our ghastly kitchen, has a brand new release on offer from Seb Roberts, a lovely fringe-y Canadian. The album, Exit Strategy, is available as a CD or download and comes with a free Japanese noiserock album by NO. Something to remember, ducks: if you buy the CD version, Simon or I personally package your purchase, along with other ephemera from our flat, and post it from the postbox that's next door to the horrible people who stole our rubbish bin. And I'll try to get my cat to lick your stamps, but no promises on that one, eh? More information and order details here.

[MP3] Man Whore, Fashion Hag, and Former Neighbour :: Seb Roberts

Secondly, I escaped to Liverpool last weekend for a conference. Invented a new game during which I drink a glass of cheap, free wine every time I get called a socialist as an insult. A week later I'm still suffering headaches from banging my head on the hand drier in the ladies loo.

Lastly, ROAR.

A low corporate

My CV, as re-imagined by my employer.

PROFILE: A bright and enthusiastic graduate in the arts and heritage sector is seeking a big fucking wake up call. Unfortunately, I have been way too ambitious in my previous career choices and now I want to move big heavy boxes all day long in a working environment ripe for litigation. In other words, for you. My personal motto is 'only speak when spoken to', giving the opportunity of talking absolute shite to those who do it best. Oh yeah, I'm a foreigner too. I'm such a fucking loser!

IDEAL ROLE: Did I mention moving boxes? I love it! Ideally, these boxes will be full of broken glass and accessible only by maneuvering around a path of tin buckets filled with sand.

[MP3] Lewis (Mistreated) :: Radiohead

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: I used to think it was pretty notable and dare I say a bit 'special' for someone my age, but after seeing the amount of skill and training necessary to faff about with an online diary system muttering 'oh dear' I'm inclined to demur. It's not like you'd read this section anyway.

EDUCATION: I have several degrees that are nowhere near as prestigious as that NVQ in Adult Education you did somewhere in Belfast in the 1970s. Congratulations on the reverse accreditation, by the way.

PERSONAL: I'd just like to say, I truly believe you're the reason God made Britain.

S.O.S.S.S.O.S

If any business mavericks happen to read this blog I'm dying (literally) to know if I need a U.S. taxpayer identification number in order to claim profits from US iTunes from within the UK. Or pretty much anything anyone can tell me about IRS form W-8BEN (certificate of foreign status of beneficial owner for United States withholding tax). I thought I'd be a hero and try to sort of the record label's international tax problems, but I think I'll just go play video games and hope that they fix themselves.

We go out in stormy weather

Well, sigh, next week I'm getting off the island for a bit to meet up with some wonderful but distant colleagues who will (unfortunately) be taking a bit of my work back to the States with them for review. So, at 1.30am on a Saturday, sick with dread at this thought and wanting to precondition myself for bad news, I superimposed real text from my article with real reviewer comments, except that the reviewer comments come from random YouTube videos...I think the results are quite funny and strangely appropriate.

In a hyper-real culture, awash in different forms of media representation, the simulation becomes more legitimate than that which it is meant to represent. Under such circumstances, deciphering reality from representation not only becomes an impossible task, it becomes an insignificant one.

-hahaha me and my friend just ate some of these tamazepan and we are laughing are asses off!! this is so funny! lol

The Situationists considered tourist attractions to be spatial lures, tempting the public into consumption. In the creation of these attractions any real significance is extracted from the location and replaced by a collection of images and signs that encourage the consumption of goods, services, and cultures.

-STOP analyzin, criticizin. You should realize what I am and start empitomizin. Legitimite I've got the heart of the biggest lion. I'm confident like fuck 'em all, pull out a dick and ride it.

[mp3] The way we get by :: Spoon

Goffman’s interactions are ambiguous, have hidden depth, and are prone to disingenuity. Goffman’s selves are managed, designed and inherently confrontational. For the self, intellectual activities such as perception analysis are fraught with tension as the individual struggles to reconcile what it expects and what it desires in the form of social interactions.

-ah, spoken like a true disgruntled virgin.

An anorak's guide to survival (1)

Scenario :: Cold weather
Goodness. Cold weather is the worst, especially when it is very cold in your bedroom. What I like to do it's too chilly to sleep is pretend I'm camping out in an abandoned building during the zombie apocalypse. Sure, I could get up and turn the heating back on, but it's more economical and fun to pretend that there's no heat to turn on because the zombies have eaten everyone.

Scenario :: Oh no, there is a large group of people congregating outside my office (I hate them all) and I need to get past them to get to the tea room
What can you do? Sometimes people just like to stand around in large groups because it reinforces their feelings that they are doing something important. "Ha ha, we are so important," they think, "we are 100% more important than your previously unobstructed path to the tea room." Sigh. Best to just wait until they disperse and hope they don't want to use your photocopier.

Tears On Your Anorak :: The Drivers

Famous anoraks and/or Belgians :: Hercule Poirot

Okay Rob, play guitar now brother

Are you familiar with the big box? Sigh. The big box is that terrifyingly large and black space on provisional job applications. In it, you're meant to justify the 5 minutes you spent twitting around on Guardian Jobs and downloading the application pack by forcefully bullet-pointing why you're perfect for a position that as of 5 minutes ago you didn't even know existed and have since only been introduced to by similar forceful bullet-pointing.

Contemplating the big box is how I've been spending my Saturday mornings. In my head, an angry voice keeps telling me to say goodbye to the special qualities that set me apart. Oh no, wait. That's just the song.

Government Administrator :: Eggs

I do work for the government, you know. For another month. The desperation is building.

Visit - Eggs